For the longest time I have been deluded.
I built a mental shrine, placing many others on a pedestal, synchronous with an almost ``deification'' of their abilities and personality. Coupled with an amorphous state of consciousness, this delusional framework was built upon the guise of anonimity. a la "anonytardism." This is not to be misconstrued with a laymans definition of anonimity, I'm pursuant of a deeper meaning. Almost a fundamental archetype -- an affect not recognized until the damage has been done.
Over time an irrational burden of paranoia emerged from the crust of countless hours of self-preservation. Existence revolved around a survival instinct characterized by amoebic behaviour. A phobia of ego itself. The onset of this frame is blurry. It's cause elusive. Most likely a product of reclusion and social rejection thoughout early childhood years.
The continuation of such a fickle state is a conundrum in the very least. Often a temporary cure would be found in some fleeting creative outlet: the externalization of a uniquely memetic construct that provides a reference for self -- An "Anchor" if you will -- to a previous iteration. Akin to a crude software update where the only thing changed was the README file.
The most subversive aspect of this epidemia is in the dissolution of ego. The remaining vaccum is filled with a crass mimicry of idols. In a cruel and twisted way, elements pertaining to a complete persona are mashed together to form the shell of an identity. Cohesion is irrelevant in such a malleable structure and often the lack of continuation is noticable. This is at least the point I was at.
I am led to belive that there is a further point in which the remaining dregs of the ego are snuffed out, leading to the horrific state in which the entire process itself becomes unconscious. Not a single original thought, action or mannerism.
Even now, I believe writing this is an integral step in the "reversal" of this affliction. Albeit it pales in comparison to the revelation that set it in motion:
I was afraid that most people don't care. The reality is: they don't.